there's something missing...

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how much I miss having opportunities to indulge my creative side, specifically through music. Part of what prompted this has been my own restlessness with academia lately. The other part of what prompted this is actually kind of silly... When I look at this blog, or my AIM screenname, or my old yahoo email address, and I see "violachica" or "viola_angel" written there, it reminds me that for so long, playing the viola was such a huge part of who I was. It's been over 5 years since I seriously played viola (both in terms of orchestra, and studying with a teacher), and it really makes me sad. Having to drop out of Rochester's symphony & chamber orchestras + my lessons at Eastman when I first got sick with the then-unknown illness was definitely one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make, because music has been such a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember.

I think I was maybe 4 years old the first time I was *really* introduced to music. Singing etc preceded all of that, but I was around that age when I first was exposed to instrumental music (or at least that I can recall). I was lucky enough to grow up in a household with a variety of instruments (piano, keyboard, organ, guitar, violin, viola, and random african drums) since my mom was a music teacher at the time and my dad's biggest hobby is music. The rest of my family is ridiculously musically inclined as well... my mom and her sisters had their own folk group when they were young. My aunt went to Julliard before becoming a lawyer. My cousins all play instruments... Let's face it, music's in my blood. That said, my parents were adamant that they only wanted me to study music if I chose to.

My mom started teaching me piano when I was 4 or 5 because I had expressed interest... but I distinctly remember at some point thinking "I like music, but I'm not a huge fan of piano". This was probably because I was too small to reach the pedals. But I still loved running around singing whenever I got the chance. A lot of my memories from after school day-care and recess are of a bunch of us staging our own completely random musicals, singing disney songs, etc.

I first really got the music bug at the end of second grade when the String teacher gave a presentation to us and said if we were interested, we could start learning instruments in September as big, bad third graders! I distinctly remember the viola demo and I had the equivalent of a Liz Lemon "I want to go to there!" moment. I knew that orchestra was for me and I went home and asked my parents if I could sign up.

The rest of the initial details are a little hazy. I started viola in third grade and by the end of the school year, the String teacher at our elementary school had recruited me into her summer strings program and then recommended me to a private teacher to audition to be her student. I remember being TERRIFIED to go audition for Mrs. Soc, because I had never done an audition before and I had only been playing for 6 months. For whatever reason, Mrs. Soc saw something in me and took me on as one of her students, and for the next 9 years, I went to her house once a week for lessons. I remember "graduating" from half hour lessons to the full hour lessons and being so freakin' excited to do so.

A few short years later I was auditioning for ASTA camp and then regionals orchestra. I officially had the music bug! I gave my first (and second and third) solo performances at the spring concert when I was in 5th grade. I felt sick like you wouldn't believe before playing, but after hitting the opening chords on the piece, I remember the nervousness washing away and just becoming completely engrossed in the music (a pattern that stayed with me for every subsequent audition and performance). The older I got and the longer I played, the more I wanted to play. I took up any opportunity to play... local orchestra festivals, school talent shows, music ministry at church, school musicals, weddings, Eustace events... I even ended up playing violin for a couple of years for the musical, picked up the timpani and assorted other percussion for concert band and pep band, and had dabbled in cello in middle school. I think of all of the secondary instruments I attempted, violin was probably most successful because I had spent the most time with it, but basically any new instrument you threw at me, I wanted to learn. My big crowning achievement was as a sophomore in high school when I got accepted to All-State orchestra. That was by far and away one of my coolest orchestra experiences. The music was *so* challenging and the rehearsal schedule was grueling, but the music we were able to produce in a short period of time was nothing short of amazing.

Approaching college, I knew I had a choice to make. I loved orchestra, and I knew I wanted to continue playing, but I opted to not major in music performance. Every once in awhile I think back on this decision and wonder why. I think it's a combination of factors: I was worried that if I tried to make my livelihood depend on it, maybe I would stop loving music. I was also worried it would be crazy difficult to get a job. Since I really liked physics, I figured I would major in that and at least continue to study music /minor in it in undergrad.

Rochester ended up being an ideal place for undergrad because of its connection to Eastman. During frosh orientation week before classes started, I had my auditions for URSO/URCO and for lessons at Eastman. I was nervous beyond words to audition for these. For the first time, I was potentially facing not getting accepted to an orchestra and lessons, and I was worried that I'd watch my music opportunities slip away. I remember spending the summer leading up to this working for hours on end with Mrs. Soc trying to prepare for these auditions, and the hard work definitely paid off, because I managed to get into both orchestras and get lessons over at Eastman.

I wasn't expecting how difficult it was going to be to switch to a new teacher for the first time in 9 years. Braunwin was 100% awesome, but she also basically retrained me. Hand position for both hands had to be completely changed, and let me tell you, after so many years of playing with a specific hand position, trying to change it is uncomfortable. URCO and URSO were amazing beyond words -- I got to sit down on a weekly basis (actually 3x a week) and play with incredibly talented musicians on REAL music. not crappy watered-down arrangements. Playing Beethoven's 7th was one of the most tiring but satisfying musical experiences I've ever had. unfortunately it all came crashing down shortly after that concert when I got sick and didn't have the energy to play. I remember bawling my eyes out for weeks over this because it felt like you might as well be ripping my heart out. Orchestra was the one thing I really, truly loved and I had no choice but to give it up.

My original intent had been to figure out wtf was going on with my body, and eventually return to the orchestras. The conductor had said there'd be a place for me when I was ready to return. ... but I never managed to get back there. It took 2 years to get a diagnosis, during which time I didn't really play on a regular basis, so my hands became deconditioned. Aside from that, I became so immersed in my other coursework that it seemed impossible to fit both orchestras back into my schedule. I never found my way back to orchestra, and that's one of my biggest regrets of my undergrad experience.

I was able to channel my love for music into a slightly different form, courtesy of Rochester's "clusters" (for non UR peeps, if you were a science major, you then had to take a group of 3 courses in a social science, and a group of 3 courses in a humanities to fulfill degree requirements). I ended up doing my humanities cluster in music theory and spent 3 semesters learning about music in ways I had never really experienced before. I never did end up pursuing the minor because I couldn't fit it into my schedule, but at least I got to take courses in the music department. Even in my social sciences cluster, I managed to work in a music connection. I had opted to study linguistics and lucked out in my second semester of linguistics -- they were offering a course co-taught by the linguistics dept chair and a jazz professor at Eastman on "Beat" in language and music. Definitely one of the best courses I took at Rochester.

Even in my PHYSICS classes I managed to work in music during one semester. At the end of Classical Mechanics, we had to do a final project looking at the mechanics of a subject of our choice, so I chose to model the string-bridge coupling on stringed instruments as damped harmonic oscillators. I still found ways to work music into my life even though I couldn't actively play in orchestra anymore, but admittedly none of these were ever as fulfilling as feeling my viola under my chin and in my hands and playing through some brilliant piece written by a master composer from the 1800s.

I think the last time I played -- and I don't mean like, noodling around a little bit, I mean REALLY played and poured my heart into it -- was back in summer '06 (not too long after I had to drop out of orchestra + lessons) when my high school conductor called to find out if I'd be available to lay down the viola part for a few tracks for her son's band. Admittedly I had no idea what to expect, but I remember thinking the whole experience was completely badass, for lack of a better term. It was the first time I had ever played anything other than classical music on the viola and it was awesome! (thanks again Mike and Eric for the opportunity :) )

Thinking back, it's almost like I tried to further cut orchestra out of my life once I had to face the reality that I couldn't play anymore in undergrad. In high school, I used to go to the Kimmel center frequently with my mom to see the symphony. So you'd think that having gone to school in Rochester and Cleveland, cities with arguably 2 of the best orchestras in the country, I'd be constantly jumping at the chance to go see their symphonies perform. I've never been to performances by either of them. I never realized it before but I guess the reason I haven't bothered to go is because it hurts too much. It's like a huge in-your-face reminder of what I've had to give up. I love classical music and have a ton of it on my ipod, but I literally sometimes find my eyes filling with tears if I listen to it, because it reminds me so much of who I used to be, and the life I had to leave behind.

Now here I sit, almost 2 years into grad school, feeling like something major is missing in my life, despite having the most amazing hubby-to-be that a girl could ask for, and having wonderful friends out here in Cleveland (as well as kickass friends from UR and Eustace, and a wonderful, supportive family). looking back on it all, I remember how big a role music played in my life for so long, and I wonder why I was stupid enough to give it all up. Granted, I didn't quite give it up by choice, but admittedly I've been reluctant to take my viola out and play. I brought all of my music here with me to Cleveland and Stella (my viola) still sits in the corner of my living room, for the most part having been untouched in the 2 years I've been in Cleve.

I WANT to play. In some ways I feel like I *need* to play to feel 100% complete. So what's stopping me? A big part of it right now is fear. I worked so hard for so long to accomplish what I did, and I'm scared that because I've been away from it for so long, that I'll effectively have to start over. All who know me -- and if you're reading this, you do -- know that I am not one to toot my own horn ever. viola really was the one thing I was truly good at. was I the best ever? no. but I was sufficiently good, and it kinda kills me to think how much better I could have been if I had been able to keep going at Eastman. I've long been my toughest critic -- especially musically -- and I'm scared to hear how bad I'll sound when I go to play those first notes. Have I forgotten it all? Have the muscles in my hand all become too lax to have stamina to play anymore? Did I waste all the time and effort that I invested since the age of 9?

I guess the point of this ridiculously long blog is to serve as a reminder and/or motivation for myself. I NEED that creative outlet at the end of the day. and I desperately want that part of my life back. When I was playing viola is when I felt the most whole. I just need to find the courage to pick it up and play again, even if it means starting back with scales and arpeggios.